“Just Don’t Be”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that phrase over the last 16 months. The worst is when people who have jobs – careers, yet – tell you that shouldn’t be angry/depressed/hopeless/whatever. What right do they have? They have everything I want! They are the symbol of everything that I am starting to despair of ever having.

I feel completely alone. I feel worthless. I feel like all of the things that I dream about (a career, a place of my own, my own decor/style) will never happen to me. After you’ve been unemployed for a certain amount of time, the chances that you will ever be hired again in America are slim. And I am 29 years old and have never been hired, period; at least, not for a real job. Retail jobs aren’t real because they don’t lead anywhere in life. Plus, they don’t pay enough for anyone to live independently.

But I have to say that I am *really* SICK TO DEATH* of hearing that I shouldn’t be depressed or upset or angry or ┬ádiscouraged. Wouldn’t you be? Don’t you think that if you have it all, you should maybe stop telling someone who doesn’t, who already feels inferior to you, that she shouldn’t feel the way she does? Don’t you think this is insulting?

I lost the person who was my best friend because of this. She got tired of waiting me for to become equal to her and yelled at me and called me a loser. In the process, she also demonstrated that she has no grasp of the ins-and-outs of the debate over health care, but that’s another story. (Quick note to people: if you don’t want to be called a conservative, don’t spout conservative propaganda).

I stay awake most nights almost until dawn because I’m too sad to sleep. I crave living on my own, and I crave feeling like a person; like a human who exists outside of a function of someone else. Yet, I have no power. I’m tired of being told to keep applying for jobs, because all I get from that is silence. I’m convinced that someone is going to have to step in and pull some strings and that is the only way that someone will hire me. Yet, I also feel like the people I know look through me; as GrooveLily wrote: “People look right through me when I try and stop them/this cold and lonely girl is not their problem.”